New Hope Oahu

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Processing Conflict Productively

Pastor Dave Barr


  1. Calmly LISTEN.
    "Reckless words pierce like a sword..." (Prov. 12:18a)

    "When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise." (Prov. 10:19)

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  2. Calmly CLARIFY.
    "A man's wisdom gives him patience." (Prov. 19:11)

    -wisdom [Shakkul] = Understanding

    "The smart person says very little, and one with understanding stays calm." (Prov. 17:27 NCV)

    "If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise." (Prov. 15:31 NLT)

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  3. Calmly COMMUNICATE.

    "A gentle answer will calm a person's anger, but an unkind answer will cause more anger." (Prov. 15:1 NCV)

    WHAT TO ATTEMPT:
    • Speak low and slow.
    • Affirm you appreciate they shared their heart.
    • Affirm what they have been doing right.
    • Admit your part of the problem & seek forgiveness.


    "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" (Matt. 7:3 NIV)

    WHAT TO AVOID:
    • Don't use sarcasm.
    • Avoid using absolutes like "never, always."
    • Avoid "you" statements and use "I".
    • Avoid "but" statements, use "and".
    • Avoid threatening with words or actions.


  4. Call on CHRIST.
    "Lord, help me control my tongue; help me be careful about what I say." (Ps. 141:3 NCV)